Free

So, life after Kenya & before Haiti... One word. Three syllables. Confusing!!!! After Kenya I was a bit lost. Now, I can be a semi-introverted person but once you get to know me... I will talk your ear off! So, upon arriving back in the states, I kind of did a back slide into being by myself and protecting myself from disappointment. I don't ever really want to delve deep into life's 'disappointments' in this blog... because it is pointless. The only thing I have to say (which seems to be a trend) is that God truly has a plan and purpose for every person's life and He will do nothing to harm you. I've come to learn this at a young age... Please don't get me wrong, during life's little valley's I questioned this very point but as I crawl out of the hole of negativity I put myself in, I see God's light shining through my life. I still struggle day in and day out with the ups and downs of life and ask God questions of why... I use to feel like I was a child asking their parent why and hearing "because I said so"... but now I feel like I hear "because I love you".

Okay, so I know in the last post I said Kenya wasn't necessarily "life changing" for me but it did change my perspective on life and those who have been, will be, or currently are in my life. In my short twenty-five years, I have held a lot grudges against those who have harmed me in any way, shape, or form... They may have not even known they had done something but I still held a grudge. Their words or actions would eat me up inside... for years and years I held on to things of the past.... On our last night in Kenya, Dave, our team leader, did a debrief called "a road map" and it's wonderful (this will be a very long post or a lot of short posts for another time). As Dave spoke, I listened and one thing that still stands out was his wanting to forgive quicker. What? Forgive quicker? I have always thought long and hard about before forgiving someone, let alone forgiving them quickly. Well, essentially this is the practice of deciding beforehand that everyone around you is automatically forgiven, before they even have the chance to hurt you. Doesn't this make sense! I'm sure all of those people I had held grudges against never lost a wink of sleep over how I think they hurt me... So WHY SHOULD I?!? Please don't get me wrong I get annoyed and I don't necessarily forget things that occur... but I try not to let other people affect my life in a negative way. I'm going to continue to put a smile on my face and keep on going, knowing they are forgiven and voila... the weight is off my shoulders and I can sleep!

Back to the confusing part... I was free from the burden of being unable to forgive people and holding grudges but I think I was holding a little bit of a grudge against God and myself.... Kenya was it. That is where I would serve overseas... that's what I had always had in mind... God didn't you place the desire to go to Kenya on my heart? Why isn't there a desire to move there? Why am I so disappointed? Why am I so quiet? Why do I feel alone? Many questions swirled through my head and my heart through the next 10 months leading up to my Haiti trip. After making a commitment to going on the Haiti trip at times I even doubted I should go there because I wanted to "protect" myself from the hurt and disappoint that I felt after returning home from Kenya.

Originally, I had planned to go to both of newhope's Haiti trips. There was a trip in January and in April but an unexpected $6,000 dental bill threw my finances into a downward spiral that I had not really planned for.... Some of you know I'm crazy about paying off my debt and becoming debt free, I have excel spreadsheets and all... Well, after just completing my BSN and that pretty dentist bill I didn't even know if I could squeak out the second trip... If you hadn't guessed already, I backed out of the January trip and put my focus on working major amounts of overtime! I laugh at this now because I realize that God would have made it happen if He wanted me to go on that trip.

It's amazing to look back and realize why something had happened and where you'd be if it hadn't or the other way around. Although I've only been back from Haiti for a little over three weeks I can already see why I didn't go on that trip....

I wasn't ready to hear what God needed to tell me.

...to be continued...

-B